Slow down turbo, it’s my first blog.

ABL is me, Andrew B Lerner

I hope to write and photograph everything from cycling, swimming, upcyling, baking with gluten, Running and running shoes, my attempts to do flip turns consistently, how to organize your closet by color, A New Englander living in the South,  Places I go that are far away and rants about flying coach and etiquette that goes with sitting in the middle row. 

Do you blog Bro?

 It would take hundreds of years to tell everyone on earth about your awesomeness .  VS blogging, the second you upload onto the world wide web  millions are able read all about you! 

                                     Note: This is Actually the real inspiration for Miss Piggy.

                                     Note: This is Actually the real inspiration for Miss Piggy.

You could also make ur way into every local triathlon shop to  brag  about your last race. “How you should have won the race…..but that old 3rd grade tricycle accident had your knee acting up and you ended up pulling-out whiling running into the waters start.”

 

Yes the same shop employees  you asked “My tires wore out after a few thousand miles, you’ll replace them under warranty, right?” or “Can I switch from a 53/39T setup to a 50/34T to make it easier to go climb the bridge and switch back to go faster when I go down the other side?

 

Another option is to you have your coach post all your race results on Facebook or twitter. How awesome your race was  and all the hard work deserves a PR  but that’s like having your mother beat up your bullies.  

 Like most triathlete or stereotypical 90’s Colombian drug lords you probably have millions of dollars stacked in boxes all  around your house. What to do with all that cash? You wanna make wise investments and what better investment then to brag about yourself!  Thats assuming your not “Pro” triathlete in which case you might be able to trade in your food stamps to hire Carole Channing and have her sing ur accolades from the top of MT.Rushmore otherwise you'll need a blog. 

Why? you’ll need a blog.

So the world will know how hard you’ve been training and suffering.  Do ur friends think you got kidapped?   Haven’t  noticed you’ve been skipping Sunday brunch to spend 6hrs on a bike ride. You want them to be impressed with your training.  I mean where do they think you've been every game night? Although it does explain why you don’t get all the “Friends” references and why everyones keeps calling you Ross ( you’re such a Ross) 

 

 To be good triathlete or to be taken seriously within the sport you need to have a blog. Case in point James Haycraft excellent triathlete/constant blogger (I mean this guy has two to three blogs a week but he does have race results)  Jenny Leiser, myself the list keeps going on and on.

Fact there is a  direct correlation between -Racing performance and amount of substance on ones blog.  

In Blue you see Races with a top 5 finish and in Red you see a blog post with more 3 pictures and 3 paragraphs of text.

Note: I found I can get away with 3 photos and 2 paragraphs of text while maintaining a top finish  but some people will need up 4/1 photos to text ratio. I’m such a poor writer the universe dictates I show my expression though pictures rather then words. 

 

Why have a blog?:

That's a great question and I'm glad you asked it. 

 Besides your Mom who can you brag to and have them feel like you not some conceited SOB????  Thats why you need blah blah blog.  The only way the world is gonna know ur in peak physicals shape, have a upcoming race is if you brag…cough cough, I mean blog about it.   It's like bragging about how awesome you are and all the amazing things you achieve but by blogging it comes off as hip, cool, artisanal vs looser gotta brag, show off, what a stroker.  

 

I cant tell you how refreshing it is when you head out for a night on the town trying to picking up some chicas or dudes acting all humble“ohh have you net seen my blog?”  (Roll eyes, pull out oversized phone, type in website and show’m).

Access to a screen projector with HDMI and movie theater quality sound is optimal.  Other expectable options: TV in ur pearl white Escalade ESV SUV.  Apple iPad airwith external Bose speakers. Don’t even think about a fucking Amazon kindle fire or Google Nexus 24 Brah! You always have to be ready to show people your most fresh blog.

Note: I always carry around my Inflatable Movie screen- only avail at SkyMall

I really love Dolphins !

I really love Dolphins !

When blogging

You wanna come off as everything you’re not.

It should be like “cat fishing” Loving, caring, good natured, funny and creative by a mixing of puns withSeinfeld references.  You want people to be amazed by how awesomely cool you are. French cheese picnic in the park, Fake film festival at a abandoned industrial complex, art exhibits that are them selves art exhibits showcasing the lack of modern society authenticity (deep), rebuilding antique motorcycle engines, going to a lecture by Neil deGrasse Tyson 

Pretend to do hip things in you're training as well. 

 My coach asked us to meet at  his lake house for dinner and a open-water swim.  Before swimming Coach sat us down and made us watch the scariest parts of  Jaws,  Jaws 2 and Lake Placid   and then had us open water swimming at night. 

Good luck swimming in Mirror lake aka Ironman Lake Placid.

The idea was to swim scared  as he says “Scared is fast.”  Next week we are gonna watch  Piranha 3D, with Ving Rhames and Jerry O’connell!   Its great for race start excitement training.

Or something like:

My coach had us go to TGI Fridays and order the nachos supreme with extra hot peppers, deep fried jalapeño peppers poppers and wait for his call. We waited for our food, flirted with the waitress. Johnny blue Jeans got digits he's such a player.  As the first nachos belch come rumbling up from my belly Coach called.  He told us to meet him on the track for 800 repeats in 5mins, Ugh ohhh!  He was prepping our guts to handle anything. Like in triathlon when you get off the bike and run with “slosh gut.”  Its  pretty wise to practice theses things ahead of time like you do for everything else. Do you even know how bad ass we looked sprinting around the track throwing up on each other!  Everyone at the track was looking at us…. like total bad asses. 

Add a photos of homeless orphans and make up a cool story about ur tri team building them a sustainable echo friendly house.  Filling the house with stuffed animals, color books and leaving the fridge full all the gross flavored gels that you’ll never eat. Who cares if the gels have been sitting in your pantry for the past 5 years and definitely expired ur not gonna eat it.  Homeless people don't care…. its not like they have a choice. 

 

 

Some other blogging advice

                                  Sorry Jenny I could not resist. I was mesmerized                           “What is she thinking about in each one of these photos?”                 And why don’t you Smile? I’ll give it to you, you do  have a great smirk.

                                  Sorry Jenny I could not resist. I was mesmerized

                          “What is she thinking about in each one of these photos?” 

               And why don’t you Smile? I’ll give it to you, you do  have a great smirk.

I was told recently by am amazing triathlete and blogger jenny Leiser  "Taking photos of everything is key” as she snapped a few photos of her lemon lavender cold pressed chi tea espresso.  “You cant go back in time like Uncle Rico and take a photo of “the before” you definitely don't want a photo of that after….. the empty dishes gutter head”

I understood that as: taking photos of everything and I do mean everything.   This is as Jenny explained “you can go back  looking through all your photos  and find the ones that make you look the coolest.”

Note: matching all the photos to ur blog makes yourself seem even cooler. 

                  This guy was my lane buddy today at  Masters swim class…..

                  This guy was my lane buddy today at  Masters swim class…..

 

The best scenario would be google glasses always recording 24/7 for nonstop blogging 23hrs a day. Obviously u don't wanna blog about ur embarrassing times. Unless u wanna show the world how big of man you are and ur crap is truly news worthy.  Or you could also just download a bunch of cool photos and pretend like you spent the day out yachting, shopping at the farmers market with reusable glass containers. 


 Notes 

How to respond to a blog or person bragging about a race. 

Responding to others blogs is just as critical to blogging yourself. If find yourself in a situation where a person is talking about a Spartan race, crossfit, marathon, triathlon, ultra marathon, pentathlon, decathlon, diencephalon, biathlon, heptathlon  or Jimmy Fallon you must act as if impressed or you will lose favor with them immediately.  Running, swimming, cycling getting kicked in the nuts  for a certain length of time on a specific day is a very important thing and should not be over looked or missed. People will train for months, telling everyone who will listen about how they get up early in the morning, they run when it rains, how it makes them feels so great and gives them energy. Yada yada yada Bro, protein powder,  Brodie, Point break. 

When they finish said event, they will generally take a photo of themselves in a pair of  expensive sneakers, running shorts, and their  number with both hands over their head in triumph (seriously, look it up, this is universal) and a piece of cake/pie/Pizza/ice-cream with the caption I so deserved this.  

You will also need to update ur Facebook, twitter and Instagram feed almost hourly with what ever it is you are doing with as many hashtags as possible. Some good examples of hastages are (#SeekToInspire #outsideisfree #outdoorbella #fitfluential #nevergiveup #nolimits #growth #utah #sunrise #playlikeagirl #keepitmoving #beauty #explore #outdoorwomen #run #mondaymotivation #worldonfire#latergram #lakelife#outdoorbella #summertime #fit#celebratelife #BecauseICan#unicornfloaty #vacay #highrocklake#exploreNC )

If you can accompany the post with photos great, videos even better.   

How was my work out this morning/afternoon/night?…. “Bra I killed it!”  (insert photo of you leading the group XXXX) Note photo can be at the start of a run or the ride. No one has to know you got dropped 2 min in. 

Your blog should be a extension of ur dick, the bigger and bolder the better. Yes you are correct in thinking “now more girls will like you because of your huge dick/blog.” 

The main reason I like my leg veins so much is that they’re bigger than my dick veins.

The main reason I like my leg veins so much is that they’re bigger than my dick veins.

You should be telling a story about ur training turning you into a chiseling out six pack with gnarly biceps to impress the bitches at the pool because abs and biceps make you swim faster.  

 

Other things that should be included in your blog are:

1.Things that motivate you. 

2.Yoga festivals and their discount codes.

3.Things you are grateful for.

4. Being a vegetarian or how long you have been eating vegan or why you eat raw or raw-meat.

5. Great Kale recipes.

6. Sriracha  

7. Food trucks

8. Foraging 

9. Knitting your own clothes 

10. The warm sound of vinyl

11. Tight-pants-

Note: Tight pants only look good on David Bowie as the Goblin King in Labyrinth. And Prince, of course.

12. Using the word “bro” bra etc. 

13. How long you can  hold a plank 

For tips about how to blog see - http://triathlon.competitor.com/2012/08/features/how-to-improve-your-triathlon-blog_60720

 

Great blog names 

KeepingItReal.com 

famousanuses.com

invictus.com

gethard.com

gohard.com 

Note: Basically anything about “being”, “getting”  “rock” hard is the perfect blog name. 

HeyRKellyDontpeeonme.com 

onthehole.com

ladypresidents.com

anlabeeds.com

trife.com 

yourname.com 

jakedDudes.com

getyouhard.com

trihard.com

 

 

I hope this has been helpful to you all.